Week of November 17th, 2014
USGS study finds Idahoans used most water in 2010
The U.S. Geological Survey’s “Estimated Use of Water in the United States in 2010,” released earlier this month found that water usage in the nation dropped 13 percent in 2010 from levels used in 2005, and that Idaho led the nation in per capita use at 168 gallons of water per person per day, nearly double the national average of 88 gallons, and other western states ranked high as well, with Arizonans using 147 gallons per day; in Wyoming and Hawaii, usage was 144 gpd; and Nevadans used 134 gallons per day. Read more here. –Idaho Statesman
More mine mitigation needed beneath Rock Springs
ROCK SPRINGS (WY) — Sweetwater County has a history of not sitting on stable ground. Cracking foundations, snapping utility lines, sinking structures and more mean the work is never done to keep what’s underground from affecting what’s above. About 70 percent of Rock Springs has mines underneath it, but not all the mines are shallow, so mitigation isn’t necessary, abandoned mine land division Rock Springs liaison and mining engineer JaNell Hunter said. “We definitely have issues in Rock Springs still, and the nature of the beast is things keep changing,” Hunter said. “I think there will always be work to do under Rock Springs to mine subsidence.” Mines that ceased operation several decades or longer ago sit under many areas in Sweetwater County, and steps are being taken to make sure sinkholes and other impacts don’t occur. In the past five years, $40 million was spent on grouting the abandoned mines beneath Rock Springs and Superior, said Alan Edwards, administrator of the Abandoned Mine Lands Program. And $13.3 million more was spent on work outside town for mine openings and portals during that time period. All $53.3 million worth of work is covered under the program. Funding is collected by the Office of Surface Mining on a per-ton basis. Every ton of coal is charged a fee, and half goes to the state for reclamation work from impacts on abandoned mines from prior to 1977 for which there is no responsible party. The construction and engineering costs do not include ongoing consulting service fees. A subcontract with a Canadian company provides satellite data on surface movement measurements that are accurate up to 2 inches, Edwards said. Every year, the agency compares current data with previous data to determine whether there was sediment movement that needs attention. “A lot of times they are natural settlements, but sometimes we find mine voids,” Edwards said. “It is our way to identify problem areas before they become problem areas.” This preventive tool has been used for the past four years. Basically, modern coal production is footing the bill for cleaning up past mining messes. Coal mining began in Rock Springs in early 1868 during the construction of the transcontinental railroad and continued until the 1950s. Several seams were opened during that time, causing about 900 acres of the city to be undermined as deep as 450 feet. Through the end of 2012, about 90 acres of land within the Rock Springs city limits had been grouted since the late 1980s. “There’s still about 60 acres left to mitigate, so we have a lot to go,” Hunter said. Structures, buildings and residences have mostly been cared for, Hunter said. The main areas of focus are beneath infrastructure such as waterlines, sanitary lines and gas lines. –Casper Star-Tribune
Proposed land swap buffeted by a timber tempest
Owners of company seeking to acquire land near Grangeville are wrestling in court at same time they try to allay public fears they’ll lock up the land
The company seeking to trade its land holdings in the upper Lochsa River basin for public land near Grangeville touts itself as an Idaho business with a long-term goal of managing private timberland using local loggers and selling to local mills. But Western Pacific Timber is in turmoil at its highest levels, with out-of-state owners locked in a legal battle that is likely to determine the future of the nearly 20-year-old company. Andy Hawes, a Boise lawyer, is the public face of Western Pacific Timber and listed on the Idaho Secretary of State’s website as its registered agent. For the past seven years, he has worked to foster a deal with the U.S. Forest Service that would swap the company’s nearly 40,000 acres of land at the headwaters of the Lochsa River for about 23,000 acres of public timberland south and east of Grangeville. The proposed trade is controversial. Passionate opponents fear it would lead to development and locked gates on once-public land and a loss of access to spots they cherish for hunting, camping and other forms of outdoor recreation. To help allay those fears, the company has pledged to place deed restrictions on the land it acquires to guarantee public access and prevent development. Both restrictions would apply even if the land were sold to new owners, something Hawes said is not in the company’s plans. “We can never guarantee a company will be around tomorrow, or in five years, or we will own a piece of property for five year or 30 years,” he said. “That is the goal.” Read the rest here (subscription required). –Lewiston Tribune
Former nuclear power company execs indicted
A federal grand jury has indicted former Alternate Energy Holdings Inc. executives Donald L. Gillispie and Jennifer R. Ransom on 14 counts of conspiracy, securities fraud, and other charges. The company had planned to construct and operate nuclear power plants in southern Idaho in the mid- and late 2000s. In 2010, however, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission sued the pair and their company, alleging they attempted to defraud investors. The criminal charges are new, and the SEC lawsuit is ongoing. —Idaho Statesman, as reported in Spokane Journal of Business
Forest Service Claims it Exceeds 2014 Restoration, Timber Goals
The Forest Service issued a press release Thursday touting their restoration efforts in Fiscal Year 2014. “The Forest Service has made strategic investments across all agency programs to advance our efforts to create resilient forests and sustainable communities,” said U.S. Forest Service Chief Tom Tidwell. “This work reduces the wildland fire threat to communities and firefighters and minimizes the risk of forest pests and climate change, while supporting American jobs and rural economies.” The numbers look great – on the surface. The Forest Service says they “reduced hazardous fuels” on 1.7 million acres. According to the National Interagency Fire Center, the Forest Service conducted prescribed burns on 1.1 million acres this year, or about 64{09caa0fd4f60433744550ef8a304262b2c9af65582154a46f6cfb8f07f832a7a} of the acres that had “fuels reduction.” Interestingly, 81{09caa0fd4f60433744550ef8a304262b2c9af65582154a46f6cfb8f07f832a7a} of these acres were in the Southern Region. It’s hard to see how maintenance burns in pine flatwoods address the pressing need to thin overstocked stands in the Western U.S., where the bulk of the agency’s firefighting and NEPA budgets get consumed. The Forest Service says they “sustained or restored watershed conditions on 2.9 million acres.” In the past, the agency has included the following in this total:
~Acres treated for noxious weeds
~Acres where wildfires burned “within prescription”
~“lake acres” treated (presumably this means either treating aquatic weeds or adding limestone to improve water quality).
While it was dry in California this year, we’ve not seen any reports of any lake fires, so we can assume this doesn’t reduce fire danger any place. There are probably many acres that received more than one treatment, we assume that the 2.9 million acres avoids double counting. The Forest Service sold 2.8 billion board feet (BBF) of timber in Fiscal Year 2014. 300 million board feet (MBF) of that was actually personal use firewood, and between 100 and 200 MBF may never reach a mill for a variety of reasons (in one case, a sale is subject to 3 lawsuits). In recent years, the Forest Service has conducted prescribed burns on ten times as many acres as they’ve thinned. The Forest Service is sincere in wanting to meet a goal of increased management, and they are certainly aware of the need to reduce fire danger on their timberlands. But the current focus on prescribed burning and non-commercial treatments does not seem to be expanding treatments fast enough to address the 65 to 82 million acre problem. You can see the press release at this link. –Federal Forest Resource Coalition
Would Keystone XL Ease Rail Congestion?
The Senate will vote Tuesday on a bill to approve the Keystone XL pipeline, which would carry oil sands crude from Canada and Bakken crude oil from North Dakota and Montana to a hub in Nebraska for delivery to Gulf Coast refineries. The House passed the bill on Friday. The vote has election year resonance in the Louisiana Senate race, but for our purposes the pertinent question is: if the pipeline is built, what effect would it have on rail congestion in the northern Plains and Midwest? Much of that congestion now is due to railroads shipping Bakken crude to terminals on the West Coast and East Coast. The Congressional Research Service reported last year that the Keystone XL Project would include a lateral pipeline, called the Bakken Marketlink, to carry oil from Baker, Montana, to Cushing, Okla. The CRS report said that of the Keystone Pipeline’s 830,000 barrels per day ultimate capacity, up to 12 percent has been set aside to transport Bakken crude. The Senate bill’s chief sponsor, Sen. John Hoeven, R-N.D., told us last week, “I think what people don’t realize is that oil is already moving out of the oil sands region. It’s moving now on rail cars. The amount of oil that the Keystone XL pipeline would carry is equal to 1,400 rail cars a day.” He said, “Once Keystone is built, that will go in pipeline instead of having to run 14 100-car unit trains a day. So you can see it will help reduce congestion on the rails. … We need it so we can move other goods.” Another Keystone XL supporter, Sen. John Thune, R-S.D., said in a Senate speech last week, “We have a rail crisis. We have been battling now for a long time with the limited capacity in rail and much of the oil moving out is going on rail. That makes it harder for us to get our agricultural commodities to the marketplace….” He said the building of the Keystone XL would allow about 100,000 barrels a day of Bakken crude to move by pipeline “and therefore not on the rail car. That saves about a unit train a day, which is significant.” –CQ “Roll Call”
GOP Appears to Pick Up Additional Senate Seat in Alaska
On Tuesday, several media organizations said that Dan Sullivan (R) had defeated incumbent Mark Begich (D) in the Alaska Senate race, bringing GOP pick-ups to 8. As of Friday, Sen. Begich refused to concede the race, saying there were still more than 20,000 votes to be counted and the margin was less than 9,000 votes. Assuming Sullivan’s victory holds, that brings the GOP pickups this cycle to 8, and the current margin is 53 to 44. Only the Louisiana runoff, to be contested on December 6th, remains outstanding. –FFRC
Appropriator Says Omnibus Could Stop Water Rule
Mike Simpson, chairman of the House Appropriations Energy and Water subcommittee, is mulling language for an omnibus spending bill that would block implementation of the proposed Waters of the United States rule. “I think we may get the national waters language because there are Republicans and Democrats who are opposed to what the EPA is doing,” Simpson told CQ Roll Call’s Tamar Hallerman in an interview Thursday. Simpson may be referring to language in House-passed legislation (HR 5078) by Rep. Steve Southerland II of Florida. The bill would prohibit the EPA and the Army Corps of Engineers from taking any action related to the proposed regulation. Simpson, R-Idaho, said blocking the rule is among several possible actions appropriators are highlighting to garner support from rank-and-file members for an omnibus spending bill through Sept. 30, 2015. A short or long-term continuing resolution would only address spending, not policies, Simpson said. “There are a lot of people who in previous years agreed with us but it was not a high priority item because it was a theory about what [EPA] was going to do,” Simpson added. “But it was just theory. Now the rule is out and people are fired up about it.” He said House Appropriations Chairman Harold Rogers of Kentucky is particularly concerned about the proposal. The EPA closes the public comment period Friday on the proposed rule. Under the usual process, the agency would review comments and perhaps make adjustments before issuing a final regulation by the spring of 2015. Opponents say the pending regulation would greatly expand the reach of the EPA and the Army Corps of Engineers under the Clean Water Act (PL 95-217). –Rep. Simpson newsletter as reported in Roll Call
Related: Outdoors Enthusiasts Back Water Rule
Organizations representing hunters and anglers support EPA and the Corps’ steps to protect wetlands and headwater streams important to fish habitat and clean drinking water for humans. More than 200 groups sent a letter Thursday to EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy and Assistant Army Secretary for Civil Works Jo-Ellen Darcy commending their efforts. The National Wildlife Federation, the Theodore Roosevelt Conservation Partnership and Trout Unlimited were among the signers. The signers’ assessment differs from agriculture groups that argue that farmers, and therefore rural areas, could be financially harmed by the proposed regulation. “When wetlands are drained and streams are polluted, it imperils America’s hunting and fishing economy — which accounts for over $200 billion in economic activity each year and 1.5 million jobs. These impacts are felt by rural communities in particular,” the organizations argued. “The current rulemaking is our best chance to restore protections for streams, wetlands and other waters critical to our hunting and fishing traditions and outdoor economy.” –Rep. Simpson newsletter
Silver Valley air quality falls short of federal standards
SILVER VALLEY, Idaho – The United States Environmental Protection Agency said the air quality in parts of the Silver Valley of North Idaho is not in line with federal standards. However local officials blame that on the monitoring system not being right. Both city and county officials said they do not like where the air quality monitor is located. They said the new designation may bring about unwanted change in the Silver Valley. It is not the air itself making Jim Best, Shoshone County Commissioner, feel bad, but rather what others have said about it especially the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). “To have government come in and tell us this is what’s going to happen is a hard pill to swallow,” said Best. The EPA said that certain pollutants in the air are exceeding federal standards. The agency has proposed to designate the Pinehurst area as a “non-attainment area,” which means the Idaho Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ) and local officials would be tasked with improving air quality in the area. Best believed that would have a trickledown effect onto property owners in Shoshone County. The mayor of Pinehurst and Best have taken issue with the data and how it is collected through this air quality monitor. The monitor is located next to Pinehurst Elementary where it picks up tons of exhaust from nearby construction vehicles and idling school buses. “The air coming out of the bus is picked up by this monitor,” said Best. The Idaho DEQ officials said the monitor was placed there because it is a central location. The officials also said they closely look at the different types and percentages of pollutants that are recorded. It is also the only regulatory air monitor in the entire Silver Valley. “Believe me, we’re for the health of these people here. But you have to draw a line someplace,” said Best. The EPA will decide on the area’s “non-attainment” designation sometime next month. –Krem2 news
Shippers say truck shortage worse than ever
IDAHO FALLS, Idaho — Finding enough trucks to keep up with fresh potato and onion shipments during the holiday rush seems to get tougher each year for officials with Potandon Produce. This season, the trucking supply has gotten so tight that the Idaho Falls-based company has advertised to hire its first ever transportation manager, explained Ralph Schwartz, Potandon’s vice president of marketing, sales and innovation. The freight shortage is a nationwide problem that shippers say is worse this season than during the fourth quarter of the prior year. Transportation experts cite a host of causes including a lack of qualified truck drivers, competition from the domestic energy boom and new trucking regulations. Nationally, average trucking rates are up roughly 4 percent from the 2013 holiday season, and spot market rates are up by double digits, said Bob Costello, chief economist and senior vice president with the American Trucking Association. Schwartz said a record Washington apple crop and a premature turn to cold weather that has increased demand for insulated, refrigerated trucks hasn’t helped matters. “We have plenty of demand. We have a lot of good business in front of us, but the X factor is if we’re going to get it shipped or not,” Schwartz said. “It’s not a good conversation to have with a customer when you tell them their loads are going to be late because you can’t find a truck.” Kevin Stanger, with Wada Farms in Eastern Idaho, said trucking companies are more often charging fees when their drivers are idle for prolonged periods waiting to unload. “We’re letting receivers know if that happens, they may be the ones stuck with the costs,” Stanger said, adding Wada has worked in its own sheds to expedite loading. Hauling potatoes represents about two-thirds of business for Doug Andrus Distributing in Idaho Falls, said Chief Financial Officer Jason Andrus. Andrus said his base rates are up 3 to 5 percent this year, mostly due to costs of buying trucks that meet federal mileage standards that took effect this year, and the need to raise wages to attract new drivers. Andrus said his company raised wages after it lost a lot of drivers in the spring and is mulling a second wage boost. “We’re hearing about some fairly significant raises from our competitors,” Andrus said. “We have enough freight to grow, but we’re not confident we can attract the drivers, so we have not added any equipment just yet.” Jon Samson, executive director of ATA’s agricultural division, said rail backups, largely due to the energy boom, have led companies to shift toward truck transportation, compounding the shortage. Samson said new federal regulations have also caused logistical problems. For example, in July 2013, a requirement was added for truckers to have two rest periods between 1-5 a.m. Samson said truckers prefer driving in the early morning to avoid commuter traffic. The rules also mandated a 34-hour break between work weeks. To comply, Samson said, truckers sometimes have to rest for up to 52 hours, depending on when they stop. –Capital Press
Jon Tester Named DSCC Chairman
Montana Sen. Jon Tester was appointed chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee for the 2016 cycle. Senate Democrats are coming off a brutal cycle, in which Republicans won back the majority for the first time since 2006 and could have a nine-seat net gain. But the Senate should be in play next cycle, with a far more favorable map for Democrats than in 2014. At a news conference following an extended Democratic meeting in the Capitol, Tester said his role will be “going out and finding candidates that can lead, that can win, that can advocate for the middle class in their elections.” Tester said he will continue to focus on his job as senator and still has a farm to keep up back home. In 2016, Republicans must defend 24 seats to just 10 for Democrats. Democrats will likely only have a couple competitive seats to defend: Colorado and Nevada. In the Silver State, Republicans will certainly pull out the stops to oust outgoing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Also, a presidential contest tops the 2016 ticket, driving up turnout. Tester succeeds outgoing DSCC Chairman Michael Bennet, who is up for re-election in Colorado. The executive director will also need to be replaced, with Guy Cecil not returning for a third cycle at the helm. –CQ Roll Call
Editorial Board: Improving Northwest forests, economies can go hand in hand
Timber companies, conservationists and government stewards agree that national forests are ailing. In the Inland Northwest, trees are weakened from overcrowding and insects ravaging their innards. The result is willing tinder. But efforts to improve their health are often met with a thicket of bureaucratic obstacles, counterproductive lawsuits and chronic underfunding. However, there is hope, because an innovative pilot project in the Colville National Forest is providing a model for the rest of the nation to follow. Last November, the Vaagen Brothers lumber company was awarded a 10-year federal contract to harvest timber. Along with collecting the wood products needed to keep the mill humming in Usk, the company is improving forest health on about 55,000 acres. The Lands Council, a regional conservation group, is fully supportive because the U.S. Forest Service doesn’t have the budget to conduct the thinning and other practices needed to maintain healthy stands of trees. Executive Director Mike Peterson recently returned from a conservation conclave where he spread the word. But to fully realize the potential of this public-private partnership, the federal government needs to reverse some unhealthy trends. More than half of the Evergreen State is forested, and 44 percent of that is under federal control. Over the years, Eastern Washington timber harvests have declined by 83 percent. Nearly all harvests are now conducted on non-federal land. The economic impact to rural northeastern counties has been devastating. The Northeast Washington Forest Coalition, which includes loggers, lumber mill owners and conservationists, is asking that some of the balance be restored. This cooperative effort merits support. The coalition points out that the state Department of Natural Resources is actively managing state forests, harvesting 513 million board feet and generating more than $215 million for state trusts, including schools and universities, in 2013. But state-controlled forests comprise only 10 percent of the Washington total. In addition, the lack of management on federal lands — in part due to ranger turnover — is exacerbating wild land fires. The U.S. Forest Service spent $1.5 billion on fire suppression in 2013, and only a fraction of that amount on treatments. An agency that used to average $1 billion a year in revenue now spends twice as much as it generates. The Vaagen Brothers project shows that forest health and economic health can go hand in hand. But the coalition says progress is still impeded by “analysis paralysis” and a cumbersome federal bureaucracy. The Vaagens are paying more than $1 million for the environmental review on the “A to Z” Mill Creek Pilot Project. U.S Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers has been a strong advocate for this cooperative effort to manage forests and aid depressed local economies. Her congressional colleagues should come take a look, because it’s healthy for their budget, too. –Spokesman-Review editorial board
Montana GOP mostly chooses rural lawmakers for top jobs
Senate Republicans broke barriers Thursday by electing Sen. Debby Barrett, R-Dillon, as the first woman chosen as president of the Montana Senate in state history. Republican majorities for the most part tapped legislators from rural areas as their top leaders for the 2015 Legislature, which convenes in January. Besides picking Barrett, a rancher, the Senate Republicans chose Sen. Matt Rosendale of Glendive as majority leader. Rosendale is a real estate developer who was an unsuccessful candidate for the U.S. House in the June Republican primary. In the House, Republicans elected Rep. Austin Knudsen, an attorney from Culbertson, an as the next speaker. An exception to the rural trend was Keith Regier, R-Kalispell, a small businessman and retired teacher, who was chosen as House majority leader. Democrats, meanwhile, re-elected their two minority leaders from the 2013 Legislature, Sen. Jon Sesso of Butte and Rep. Chuck Hunter of Helena. They faced no opposition. In the race for the top slots, Republican Senate and House caucuses rejected leadership candidates seen as more moderate in favor of conservatives. Barrett said she didn’t think the Republican leadership is extreme, saying Montana voters elected the legislators they wanted to send to Helena, and those lawmakers in turn chose the leaders who reflect what voters want. “It’s up to this caucus to provide alternatives and solutions to the governor’s proposals to increase spending and government,” Barrett said. She said the Republican Senate majority owes the next generation of Montanans a state where they can make a living and enjoy the beauty of the state. Barrett’s said she wants to oversee a Senate that runs smoothly with “no gotcha moments.” That was an apparent reference to the bitter split among Senate Republicans in 2013 in which the self-described “responsible Republicans” parted company on some issues from the more conservative Republicans. The “responsible Republicans” joined forces with Democrats to pass some of Democratic Gov. Steve Bullock’s agenda. Ripley made a strong pitch for party unity in the caucus with references to the 2013 Senate Republican split. “The bickering, the backstabbing, the hatred has to stop now,” Ripley said. “We must work together or all Montana loses.” Later, Barrett told reporters the Senate Republicans and Democratic governor are coming at things “from the opposite end of the spectrum.” “What the governor has embraced, what I’ve seen, is increased spending and growing government,” Barrett said. “Our caucus is not going to embrace his priorities.” In the House Republican caucus, Knudsen defeated Reps. Steve Fitzpatrick of Great Falls and Randy Brodehl of Kalispell. “Montana voters care about more jobs, the economy and responsible resource development,” Knudsen said. “Those are three things that Republicans and the Legislature can all unite behind.” –Helena Independent-Record
U.S. Silver combines with Scorpio Mining
U.S. Silver and Gold Inc. and Scorpio Mining Corp. have agreed to merge, and will continue doing business under the Scorpio Mining name. The combined company will have an operating platform which will include two producing mines, a third in development, and an advanced stage exploration project. The merger was announced Friday. U.S. Silver owns and operates the Galena Mine complex in the Silver Valley’s Coeur d’Alene Mining District. The complex – which includes the Coeur, Galena and Caladay shafts – is located about one mile south of Interstate 90 and just west of Wallace. Scorpio is a Toronto-based silver producer, which owns the Nuestra Senora Mine in Mexico, along with the El Cajon development project. Shareholders of U.S. Silver will receive 1.68 common shares of Scorpio Mining for each share of U.S. Silver held. Shareholders of Scorpio Mining will not have to exchange their shares in the transaction. Once the transaction is complete, the combined company will have approximately 335 million common shares outstanding. Former shareholders of Scorpio will own approximately 59 percent, and former shareholders of U.S. Silver will own 41 percent. The combined management team will be lead by Darren Blasutti, who will assume the title of president and chief executive officer. The new board will be comprised of Blasutti and four directors each from Scorpio and U.S. Silver. Scorpio founder Peter Hawley will be chairman of the combined company. “This merger creates a stronger, better positioned company that is capable of not only surviving the current low silver price environment, but potentially transitioning from a junior precious metals company to an intermediate producer over the next couple of years,” Blasutti said in a news release. “The diversified low-risk asset base, solid financial position, enhanced capital markets profile and proven abilities of the combined management team and board make this a compelling and unique value proposition for all shareholders,” he added. –Cd’A Press
Harvest by County Tool Now Available
Did you know that you can now access annual harvest data by county and ownership for 5 western states? Up until now, this data was only available in a comprehensive manner on a periodic basis, or available by select agencies for the lands they manage. In cooperation with the Forest Service’s Pacific Northwest and Rocky Mountain Research Stations, BBER’s Forest Industry Research Program is providing annual harvest data going back to 2000 and plans to add more states in the future. Access the tool. –University of MontanaForest Industry Research Bulletin
UM report: Relatively obscure agency has outsized impact on state economy
Dozens of research grants that are funded every year by a little-known state agency have produced significant economic benefits for Montana, according to a study conducted by the University of Montana Bureau of Business and Economic Research. The operations of the Montana Board of Research and Commercialization Technology have produced significant impacts on Montana’s economy, including more jobs, higher household incomes and larger tax revenues, according to the report. Based in Helena, the board is administered by the Montana Department of Commerce. The agency hands out research grants every year to projects that have the potential to make Montana more competitive in the global marketplace. Since 2001, the board has funded approximately 200 research projects totaling nearly $40 million. Money for the grants comes from the $1.27 million allocated annually from the state’s coal tax trust fund earnings. The economic impact study was produced and authored by Patrick Barkey, director of the BBER, in order to gauge the effects of the board since it was established by the Legislature in 1999 to encourage economic development through investment in Montana-based research projects with a clear path to commercialization. Read more here. –Ravalli Republic
Fake News from The Onion: Mild-Mannered Reporter Suddenly Transforms Into Incredible Unemployed Man
KANSAS CITY, MO—Mere moments after stepping into his managing editor’s office as his unassuming alter ego, Pete Bates, a mild-mannered 36-year-old reporter for the Kansas City Star, emerged into the publication’s main newsroom as the amazing Unemployed Man, eyewitnesses confirmed Monday. According to reports, Bates underwent his remarkable transformation after a sobering discussion about market realities and declining circulation numbers, leading him to discard his humble day-to-day identity characterized by his black-frame eyeglasses, a timid persona, and 12 years on the city government beat, and reappear before a gathering crowd of coworkers as the Unemployed Man, complete with extensive powers of severance pay and COBRA health coverage eligibility. Sources told reporters that the Unemployed Man utilized his lightning speed to pack up his belongings and carry them out the front door by the end of the workday, while also drawing upon his extraordinary powers of strength and invulnerability to look the rest of the editorial staff in the eyes and say his goodbyes without openly weeping in front of them. Within seconds of completing the task, the Unemployed Man is said to have swiftly disappeared from the scene, leaving only shocked and dazed onlookers behind. Upon receiving word of the Unemployed Man’s situation, sources confirmed that his arch-nemesis, the Viral Man—operating from deep within his News Aggregator Lair—smiled, nodded, and said that all was proceeding according to plan.